Something Was Missing

Something was missing.  

Queens. The Heteraclub is meant as a place for women, – a place like I would have wanted it for myself, when I – at 40 – found my marriage at an end and myself at the beginning of what felt like a pretty scary coming out: I, a 40 year old divorcee, slightly overweight and not taking care of myself very well, wanted sex, but not only sex. I wanted intimacy, a space to find out, what I wanted. I wanted to be close to – somebody. Touch someone and be touched.

I went online and lived the whole online dating drama – with all the ups and downs, that you might also know about. In the beginning I often found myself in a position of being vulnerable and actually in a pretty bad mood, and still putting myself out there, full exposure, in order to escape loneliness. In order not to shut down and give up on intimacy entirely.

In those moments I felt clearly, that something was missing. A place, a form of togetherness, a practice, that would have allowed me to escape from looking-for-the-one versus ghosting, to escape from the ugly cycle of rejecting and rejection, needing and blocking. I wanted a way out that didn’t mean to be utterly alone. I started searching.

I went to Kinky Salon Parties, and yes, that was fun. Unfortunately I’m not kinky in that sense. So, it made me feel a bit plain. Those with the more interesting desires were luckier, I felt, they connected easily with their peers and were confident and forward: Are you into japanese bondage, or into fisting? You had to be into something, it seemed.

I also took part in the eventual OM or tantra session. And yes, that was also fun. But the idea of healing, personally, that doesn’t get me wet. The whole idea of goodness and cleanliness doesn’t. Instead it made me a bit sad, the idea of having to be healed for then being entitled to be sexual.

At some point I also tried callboys. I had heard and read that this was common practice nowadays. I reckoned that booking a callboy was emotionally safer and better than just dating, because I was really just looking to explore my own sexuality. So, I checked it out and I found very little. I wrote intro messages to maybe eight callboys which I found online. Only one got back to me – after weeks. And before I ever met him he started sexting me and asked for sex pics of me. I didn’t send him any. As a consequence he cancelled the date, just to get back to me a few days later with long messages about his private problems. So much for emotional safety and a space for my own sexuality.

I did find lovers with whom to explore after a while . People who were on their own search, when our paths crossed. Sometimes I felt closer to strangers than to the people I met every day. Everyday life can keep us apart as much, as it brings us together. But as strangers we just share the human condition in all its pain, pleasure and glory. However, I did find new friends and new partners, eventually, and today I feel pretty happy and confident about my sexuality, maybe more than ever before in my life. So, I figured this might the right time to do something about this practice and this place that I was searching for and couldn’t find.

This is how my search brought me here, to this point, where I’m about to start the Heteraclub-project. But do I know now, how to create it, this different practice, this different place? I’m not sure, so I ask you:

Have you also been on a search like that? Are you? Where did your search bring you? What do you want from a place to explore your desire?